apologies
by deathscupcake
Summary: Dear Percy, I'm sorry it couldn't be me.
1. Chapter 1

_Dear Percy,_

 _I can't bring myself to say it to your face. It'd hurt me more than it'd hurt you. They said I only have three months to live. I'm scared, but it'll be easier if I let you go. I told you that i moved and that i can't do long distance. I guess that was the first step in letting go. I wasn't completely lying though, I did move, but for my chemo._

 _The second half was a lie._

 _I would kill the distance to get to you. I would do anything to stay with you. But for your sake, I have to let you go. Having cancer is a real pain, but I don't want you to worry about me. I asked my family to keep it from you, I hope they did. I know that I broke your heart, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, if anything, I wanted to be the one. The one you'd settle down with, have a family with. The one that you'd cherish forever. But life decided to be a bitch and take that away. I'd do anything to change my situation, if it meant that I could stay with you._

 _You probably have girls crawling over you, left and right. Knowing you, you'll most likely push them away kindly. You've always been a kind person. You don't deserve the pain I put you through. So, I'm writing these letters so you can have something to remember when I'm gone. I'll have my parents mail them or have Jason give them to you. They won't all be this depressing, I just wrote this first one so you could have some closure. To know why I left. To understand why I broke your heart._

 _The rest of these letters will be about memories we've made. I'll write about everything I love about you. I'll tell you everything that you made me feel while we were together. I want you to remember that i love you and if I could change it, i would do anything to be with you . Hopefully we'll see each other again. When it's your time but I don't want you to spend the rest of your life moping around over me, Bup. I don't really know what else to write in this first letter, you know how bad I am at it. So this is goodbye, for now. Promise me one thing, though? Wait for me._

 _Please don't forget me,_  
 _Annabeth_

 **I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING DEAD FOR A HUNDRED YEARS. I don't even have an excuse besides school because I actually have no life lmaooo. anyway, I promise** **I'm going to be more active because this story is prewritten and I'm still working on some other writing pieces;) see ya'll soon -vanessa**


	2. Chapter 2

_Dear Percy,_

 _How've you been? I hope well. I've been feeling under the weather lately, I'm always tired and sad. I feel lonely without you, I miss playing with your soft dark locks. Or smoothing out your thick eyebrows, I don't know why but I love doing that. I also love your eyelashes, they're so long and curly, it truly is unfair. But I think I love your lips more. Gosh, your lips. They're so full, and pink. I love kissing them. They feel like soft pillows or clouds, I could kiss your lips forever. My forever was cut short. I told you these wouldn't be depressing, and it looks like I failed at that._

 _Anyway, do you remember what today is? Two years ago, on this date, you asked me out. We met at one of Jason's parties. My friends ditched me and I was so lost in your house. I was about to leave, but I'm glad that I didn't. You came up to me and said," Hey, cutie." Total player move. I don't know if it was the alcohol or the rational part of my brain telling me you were different, but I continued talking to you._

 _Then a few months later, on February 6, 2014, we were at my house on my bed. You grabbed my arms and dragged me down the stairs and into my backyard. I was so confused, but then you covered my eyes and slowly turned me around. When you pulled your hands away, there was a small blanket set out in front of my pool with a picnic basket. I wondered how you managed to do all of this until i saw Jason running through the trees away from my house. You laced your fingers through mine and gave my hand a light squeeze, sending shivers down my spine. My head was in your lap and your free hand has massaging my scalp. "Hey Annabeth?" I hummed in response. "Will you be my girlfriend?" My eyes shot open and my smile was wide._

 _You finally asked me. We were in the stage of being awkwardly unsure of what we were. You never asked but you called me babe and all that other sappy stuff, and I would call you mine. But that day, it was official. We belonged to each other. I sat up and kissed you, our picnic forgotten. Before it could go farther, you pulled away. "We should stop," you said breathlessly. I sucked on my bottom lip and pressed my forehead against yours. "But I want this," I whispered. Your large, calloused hands roamed down my sides and gently squeezed my hips. "I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself," you responded. And I'll admit, I was disappointed. I wanted more. I needed more. You were a drug and I was addicted._

 _You made me feel free and happy. Being with you was indescribable. Kissing you, touching you, it was euphoria. We spent the rest of the day talking underneath the sunlight that peeked through shady trees, stealing kisses between conversations, smiling like idiots. Even though that was our first day as an official couple, I knew that I loved you. I still do, and I always will._

 _Don't ever forget that,_  
 _Annabeth_

 **Writing this fic was so much fun, I hope you guys all like it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's dark and a lot different than anything I've ever written but I just wanted to show that not everything is perfect through this piece. hope you had a good day:))))) -vanessa**


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear Percy,_

 _Today's Valentine's Day! It would've been our third together, but, ya know... I wish I could spend the day with you, though that's kinda hard since I'm in California and you're in New York. I wonder what we would've done today if I was back home. I guess I'll never know._

 _Our first Valentine's Day together was only a few days after we became official. You took me to your house and I met your parents. They had already scheduled plans for the evening but you convinced them to stay at home. I've always wondered how you were so manipulative. I had a great time meeting your parents. I still remember the color of your face when they told me embarrassing stories of you and Jason. You looked like a tomato! "Oh Annabeth, Jason would put Percy in a trash bag and take the vacuum cleaner and suck all the air out! One time, it got stuck and I had to cut Percy out of there as he cried." You looked like you wanted to die in that moment. "Mom! That's enough," you said, but there was a hint of laughter in your voice._

 _Our second Valentine's Day together was by far one of our cheesiest outings to date. You told me that I had to dress nice, so I did. When I asked where we were going, you told me," it's a surprise, but goddamn you look fine in that dress." I laughed and I'm still four-hundred and sixty-seven percent sure that I blushed beet red. Anyway, you took me to out to eat at one of my favorite Greek restaurants. Even though Opa isn't an extremely fancy place, it's definitely not casual either. As if it were yesterday, I can still see you trying to shove pita bread in my purse. You're such a goof, but you're my goof. Well, you were. I hope whoever ends up marrying you treats you well. I hope they realize how lucky they are to call you their goof. Sorry, I keep saying these won't be sad and I'm just ruining the moment. Fuck! Sorry, again. I know how much you hate when I apologize for things._

 _After we finished dinner, we went to the movie theater and watched Fifty Shades of Grey. I was surprised honestly, I had been raving about the books to you for months and dropping 'subtle' hints about seeing it. We watched it that night, and you cried at the end. Why? I honestly don't know. The books were better._

 _Oh! Speaking of books, laying in bed at the hospital all day has allowed to me read a lot more. I'm happy that I have the chance to pick up on my old habits again. When I die, you can have all of my books. You always said that you loved watching me read_ _because of how focused I looked. "Please read something to me," you would beg before we fell asleep on facetime. So I would read my corny teenage romance books to you until I heard your cute little soft snores through the speaker. Maybe if you have all of my books, you'll always remember me. Keep them color coordinated and organized by height, okay?_

 _Your little book nerd,_  
 _Annabeth_

 _ **Btw guys this is a SHORT story and it's completely finished;) I honestly put myself through so much pain writing this but I absolutely love how different it is! - vanessa**_


	4. Chapter 4

**_TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM_**

 _Dear Percy,_

 _I'm not in the right state of mind to be writing this right now. I'm so fucking sad and I don't know how to control it. I miss you so much, I honestly can't find the words to explain it. You kept me sane, you were the only person who could handle me on days like this. The first time you ever saw one of my 'episodes' was also the day you found out what I had been doing to myself._

 _We had gotten back from the park, you walked me to my front door and placed a chaste kiss on my lips. "Bye babygirl, I love you," you told me. I smiled and stared at you, which might sound weird but you're so goddamn beautiful. Your hair was extremely unruly and disheveled, your lips were extra pink and plump. Your ever-changing eyes were sea-green with flecks of gold and swirls of brown. I had walked into my house and was greeted with a scene that was all too familiar._

 _My mother was drunk off her mind in the kitchen, open bottles of scotch and Tennessee whiskey littering the counter. I sighed and walked to my room, I was used to it but you had no idea about her problem. I never told you because...I didn't want you to see me differently. I didn't want you to think that I was like her, a drunk with self deprecating issues. She was usually emotional, always crying and talking about how my father slept around and she wound up stuck with me. I guess that day she spent too much time thinking about it, she was angry , aggravated almost._

 _"You think I don't know about that little boy you go see everyday?" She had asked me once I thought I had safely reached my room. I turned around slowly to see her standing there with a bottle of vodka in her hands. "You're just like your father, a worthless piece of trash who likes to get around." Her words stung, bringing back memories of when I was young and she would verbally and mentally abuse me. I ignored her and tried shutting the door but she stopped it with her foot and struck me across the face. "Maybe that'll knock some sense into you! Hopefully you have some self-respect and morals for Christ sake," she muttered to herself as she walked away._

 _I cried for what seemed like hours but was only a few minutes. I slipped off my yoga pants and looked at my upper thighs which were speckled with fading lines. I never did it to my arms, that's too obvious. I did it in a place no one would see, but for a while I was doing good! I hadn't thought about it since I met you, but that day... I wanted to hurt myself so that I could feel a pain deeper than the one in my heart. I was almost about to do it, the small blade was in my fingertips just waiting to slash a fresh line across my skin. Then there was a knock on my window, it was you._

 _"What the fuck are you doing?" You asked me, a look of pure anger plastered on your gorgeous face. "I-I was," I couldn't think of anything, you already knew. You snatched the little blade that I had unscrewed from a pencil sharpener and chucked it out the window. I was ashamed of myself, I was almost certain that you would leave me once you found out that I was just a depressed girl with mommy issues. But you didn't. You held me close against your warm chest and let me cry until your shirt was stained with a small puddle of salty tears. That night, we became closer. I let you into a world no one else could visit. "I'm here if you ever need me, okay princess?" I smiled as I began to drift off. After that, I never thought about hurting myself again. But I can't control my emotions, I can't make the pain go away. I need you._

 _I fucking miss you,_  
 _Annabeth_


	5. Chapter 5

_Dear Percy,_

 _I talked to Jason on the phone the other day. I was asking how you were holding up. Speak of the devil and he shall appear, right? You had walked into the room he was in, I knew it was you by the sound of your laugh. My heart tugged when I heard it, you're happy. That's all I ever wanted. I also heard a girls voice... Jason tried to cover it up and apologized about her on your behalf. But I'm 'happy' for you! You're moving on. A lot quicker than I had anticipated but nonetheless you're happy again. With her!_

 _He left the room and said," I'm sorry about that, he's just...trying to get over you. He's been a wreck since you've left." I said that it was fine and I was truly happy for you. I asked who she was and what she's like. What he told me made my blood boil. "You know Drew, right? The girl from our Chem. class?" Of course I know her, she's the definition of perfection. She's much prettier than me, taller, skinnier; she's basically everything that I'll never be._

 _"Well, he's been talking to her. She makes him happy, I've never seen him this happy." I had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying. Never seen you so happy, huh? Not even with me. It's okay though. I mean I'm going to die in about a month and a half. She's pretty and healthy. She's not on her death bed writing letters to a boy she's head over heels in love with. Can you tell that I'm bitter about this? Because I'm trying so damn hard to not be but I fucking love you!_

 _"You know what, J? I gotta go," i guess he knew something was wrong. "Is it about what i said? Annabeth, Percy is still in love with you. He talks about you every night, he asks me if I know why you left. Do you know how hard it is to lie to him when I know the truth? Do you know how depressed he'll be when he finds out the love of his life has cancer?!" I was in tears by now," I-I have to go." He huffed and I could almost see him running a hand through his hair," Ann-" I know you're probably going to be pissed at him for not telling you. But I asked him to keep it a secret, please don't be mad. But let's not make this about him._

 _So Drew, huh? I think it's ironic because just a few months ago you said she wasn't open to other things besides fashion. You said, and i quote, "she's too, closed-minded. Her world revolves around designer clothes and shoes, she would never want to go on an adventure, she'd probably faint at the sight of mud." Im sorry if I sound rude but put yourself in my shoes. I've only been gone for one month and you're already replacing me. When I first started writing these letters, i thought that they'd be happy memories. Something to give both of us some peace, but they've just become depressing. I don't even know what to write about anymore, I'm so frustrated and angry at you. I don't know why, you're not my boyfriend anymore, you're free to be with whoever you like. I just...hoped that you'd still love me, a small part of me hoped that you'd always chose me._

 _I guess I was wrong._

 _Bye for now,_

 _Annabeth_


	6. Chapter 6

_Dear Percy,_

 _I talked to Jason again, he said he got accepted the University of Oregon and Baylor. I'm so happy for him. He told me that you got into UCLA and UC. Berkeley! Words can't explain how proud I am of you, UCLA is your dream school._ _I got a few acceptance letters, too. UCLA, Yale, and NYU. I actually got in, Percy. You know how much this means to me, it's just a shame I'll never be able to go. I'll never be able to experience college life,_ _or frat parties, or anything else that comes with the newfound independence of being a college student._

 _Can you imagine if we went to school together? That would be a dream. Everything to me at this point is just a dream. Holding you, touching you, kissing you. That, that is a fantasy_. _Not all dreams come true though. Well, at least in my case, but your biggest dream came true. Like I said, I'm so fucking proud of you. I can't wait until you go to your first class, your first college party, football game. I'm so excited for you to experience these things._

 _Remember when we toured UCLA on our school field trip? That was such a good day, God how I wish I could go back. We were walking through enormous library and you randomly said," This place is going to be my home." I looked at you surprised," How are you so sure about that ?"_

 _You shrugged and said," I just feel it. It'll be your home too. Our home." I smiled and gently squeezed your hand. You were right. It would've been our home. But it's going to be your home and I'm so happy for you. I've said it multiple times already but I'm crying tears of joy as I write this because I'm so FucKIng hApPy!_

 _Jason also mentioned a football scholarship, you didn't tell me scouts were looking at you. I got an academic scholarship to NYU. As much as I would love to go there, it's too far away from you. Also, I don't really have a chance to go anyway. I would've picked UCLA. That way we could be together, in California, living happily._

 _I'm so emo right now._

 _I told Jason to go to the university of Oregon, that way he'll be semi-near you. Only one state away:) He also told me he's been talking to Piper McLean. I never thought I'd live to see the day, lil Jason finally decided to stick with one girl. I don't blame him though, I mean it's fucking Piper McLean. I'd turn lesbian for her to be completely honest. YeET._

 _Sorry, I'm heavily drugged right now so I apologize for anything I wouldn't normally say. But back to the main topic, I'm so fucking hyped for you to go to college Percy, oh my god it's ridiculous._

 _You're going to make a ton of new friends, learn so many new things, and probably meet the girl of your dreams. She'll be a kind, gorgeous soul. I can feel it. She's going to fall in love with you ,not because of your looks, but because you're going to touch her mind before anything else. That's how you won me over. You were the first guy who actually made an effort to get to know me, who wanted to know every last detail about me instead of trying to get into my pants. I know you'll do the same with her. She's going to blow your mind and you're going to be so infatuated with her. Love is such a beautiful thing and I'm preparing myself for you to feel it without pain. Please take care of her._

 _I love you,_  
 _Annabeth_

 ** _what's up my dudes? imma clear something up rn... this story is PREWRITTEN. I'm not making any changes to it because I'm actually satisfied with how I ended it, also I hope y'all know this is a short story. in total, its about 11 chapters long so...yea. anywho, please leave a review because I love reading your feedback:)_**


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear Percy,_

 _You decided on UCLA! That's not really a surprise but I'm still happy with your choice. I had to reject all of the schools I got into. What a bummer:(_

 _NYU practically begged me to go. Even offered me a full ride. But I had to decline and tell them about my issues. The head emailed me asking why I hadn't stated so in my applications._

 _I rolled my eyes so hard at that. Obviously if I knew I would've never applied. The cancer just came so quickly and there wasn't really anything I could do to stop it._

 _It sucks that I can't go, but other than that I've been feeling pretty good. I'm not as sad anymore. I think it's because they've been giving me more medication but it makes me feel good so, hey, I'm not complaining._

 _In the book I'm reading, Lola's boyfriend is such a cute little goof. He reminds me of you. Cricket constantly has to be fidgeting with things the way you do when you're nervous. He goes to Berkeley though. But you got accepted so there's another similarity._

 _Everything reminds me of you honestly. There's a painting on the wall directly in front of my bed of the sun setting. When I first saw it, i thought of a poem about the sun. What a shocker, Annabeth reading poems about the sun. They're just so addicting, I can't explain why but I believe the sun and the moon are the oldest lovers alive and they've stuck with each other since the beginning of time. And yet, they still fall for each other every day. Their romance is so raw and real, it's truly amazing. i think of this goddamn poem every time i see it, it's imprinted in my mind now, I repeat to myself every time I look at that painting._

 _I know I_  
 _Should crumble_  
 _For better reasons_  
 _But have you seen_  
 _That boy, he brings_  
 _The sun to its_  
 _Knees every_  
 _Night_

 _You bring the sun to its knees, just like how you had mine pressed into the carpeted floor. Except I would do things to make you feel a warmth the sun could only wish its rays were capable of doing._

 _I read so much poetry and I see you written in between every word. My favorite poem though is simple and short, but it has your name all over it._

 _You've touched me_  
 _Without even_  
 _Touching me_

 _And this poem has to be the most accurate thing I've ever read. It describes you perfectly. Because you didn't try to kiss me or grope me. You pleased me in a way your fingers or your tongue could never. You satisfied my mind and my heart, and that made me feel a high I'd never managed to reach on my own._

 _By simply being yourself, you got me hooked and I hadn't even had a taste of you yet. Im glad I had my fill before I left._

 _Sincerely ,_  
 _Annabeth_


	8. Chapter 8

_Dear Percy,_

 _I have good news! Great news, really. The doctors said that since my tumor hasn't been showing any signs of further growth, they think it's safe to perform a surgery to remove the tumor! He said that if it's successful, the three months I had left would increase drastically. I might live, Percy! I haven't been this happy since the day we started dating._

 _I really hope this surgery goes well. If it does, the first thing I'm going to do is call Jason. I changed my number so I wouldn't have to deal with people from school asking where I went and why I left. But I'm going to call Jason and tell him that I kicked cancers ass!_

 _Then I'm going to ask him if I can speak to you. I'll hear your voice clearly for the first time in two months. It seems like a short period of time but I'm dying without you. Literally. After, I'll tell my mom to book the closest flight to New York and I'll surprise you._

 _I wonder how you're going to react when you see me. Are you going to be happy? Sad? Confused? Angry? Gods, I'm so anxious to find out. I can't wait to see you even though I'm pretty sure you'll be mad at me. I could care less if your angry, I just need to see you._

 _If all goes well, the surgery is going to take place in four days, and once it's over, I'll have to stay in the hospital for another week and a half. Then, I'll be free to go. Leave. Come home._

 _For the first time in months, things are starting to look up. I honestly don't know what to do with this information. I'm just... ughhh, I'm so happy!_

 _They're running a few more tests before they can officially approve the surgery, so I've been taking more meds, tests, blood tests, and a bunch of other things I don't really feel like writing. I'm so excited! I called Jason already and he's coming to California in five days to see me. I'm not quite sure how he'll pull flying across the country off but we'll see._

 _Gosh, I'm so happy, I know I keep saying it but I've been so down lately, it's like I'm finally getting a breakthrough. After everything seemed to be going downhill for so long, it's such a relief to get good news. I'm not sure what else to write so I'll just end it by saying that I can't wait to see you!_

 _I love you,_  
 _Annabeth_


End file.
